THE NEW (TRUE?) MAP OF FRANCE

THE FRENCH AS (SOME) FRENCHMEN SEE THEM.

              Anyone who believes that France still embodies the ideals of the Revolution; ie,  Liberty, Equality and Brotherhood, will have welcomed the reappearance, after some years in obscurity, of the True Map of France.

         The parody version of the national map isn't to be confused with the more venerable "Carte de France,"  the slang name given to the crusty blot left on bedsheets by a copious male emission.

           This Carte de France categorises the various regions according to how they are perceived from Paris - located on the map as a tiny zone in the midst of a wilderness of Paysans - Peasants - and identified simply as Maison - Home.

           The label Ski sees off the mountainous Alpine and Pyreneean districts, and the English Channel, Atlantic coast and Mediterranean riviera are dismissed as Plages - Beaches. 

           After that, attributions become more personal  Menteurs - Liars - supposedly inhabit the region closest to the Italian border.  Terrorists, presumably of Basque extraction, lurk in the southern Atlantic region, while the local brand of sepratists inhabit the entirety of France's island territory Corsica.

           I'm not sure why the inhabitants of Picardy and the north-east should be branded simply Pauvres - the Poor - nor their nearby neighbours, the Alsatians and citizens of mountainous Savoie, earn the label of Depressifs.

           On the other hand, the hard-drinking folk of far west Brittany have strenuously earned their designation of Alcooliques. But it’s blatantly unfair, in my opinion, that those who live - and, more significantly, have their maisons secondaires - in the southern corner that also harbours the Medoc wine country and the coast producing the best oysters, are dismissed as ­Branleurs - Wankers. What nonsense. Why, that where we have our summer place!