THE OLYMPICS: SWIFTER, HIGHER, STRONGER...WEIRDER.

BREAK DANCING, SKATE BOARDING, AND PHYGES

I’d thought the run-up to the Olympics could yield nothing sillier than the design for its mascots, the Phryges, launched a few months back. The wonky triangle with one bent corner is meant to suggest the Phrygian cap, said to have been worn by the Gauls, but best known as the headgear of national symbol Marianne, featured in Delacroix’s painting of Liberty leading the 1830 revolution. On her, it’s barely acceptable; as incarnated in the Phryges, it could curdle milk.

  Now, however, we have, setting a new low, the official poster. Apparently embracing the showbiz principle of always including Something the Kids Can Dance To,  its design was entrusted to fantasy artist Ugo Gattoni. Of the sports depicted, he says "I am not aiming to make them accurate to the originals but rather to make them recognisable at a glance, placing them within a surrealist and celebratory universe". The committee calls the poster "light-hearted". Am I the only one for whom these words  strike a chill?

To say the design takes liberties is a major understatement. “Keen geographers,” remarks expat paper The Local, “will note that Paris does not have a coastline. It's about 200km from the sea. The coastline in the poster is in fact Marseille - and it's included because Marseille is a Games venue. The southern city will host sailing events and also some football.” Just to be clear,  most sailing events will take place on the English Channel and the surfing in…well, New Caledonia.

Then there’s the Seine,  shown forming a circle around the Eiffel Tower, which Gattoni has given an unbecoming skirt,  housing, I think, a running track. Or perhaps a revolving restaurant. Or both. Is there room for a new sport, Competitive Cookery, combining the marathon and Masterchef?

Next door to the tower, Gattoni has parked a huge balloon, even though ballooning is no longer an Olympic sport, having gone the way of the Tug of War, Mountain climbing, Croquet, Pistol duelling and Pigeon shooting, with live pigeons. 2024 will see the addition of four new sports: Break dancing, Sport climbing, Skateboarding, and Surfing. We’re told that some of the equipment lying around is meant to symbolise these newcomers,  though I couldn’t spot them.

And then there’s the giant hand. Situated just behind the Eiffel Tower, this massive upraised appendage appears to hold a gold medal. Such a monument won’t, in fact, feature among the improvements to Paris proposed for the Games – though one can see that a giant palm offering gold might add something to the capital’s skyline, as well as  symbolizing the ruling preoccupation of big-time sports, as expressed in the film Jerry Maguire,  “Show me the money!”.